For the past decade, I have photographed my mother at our home in Louisiana. All of the images held here were taken within a 300 foot radius of the house, an act of stationary insanity.
“Growing Tired of Calloused Knees” attempts to carry the multitude of issues that stem from domestic abuse as a catalyst for mental illness, poverty, and substance abuse. It’s a project that peels itself back, buckling from the pressure; a palatable view of troubled situations attempting resolve. The photographs and related material within desire to hold empathy and understanding, while showcasing the visual representations of these difficult topics. It is an attempt to understand the overbearing weight of exhaustive circumstances that surround my family in particular. It is a space that holds grief and hope for both the living, dead, and worlds imagined.
Domestic violence, specifically against women by men for the case of this project, is an epidemic that is rarely addressed as such, especially amidst the global pandemic of COVID-19 and detested overturn of Roe V. Wade. In Rebecca Solnit’s essay, “The Longest War”, she writes about these alarming statistics, bringing to light just how often these instances occur. Solnit states, “A woman is beaten every nine seconds in this country. Just to be clear: not nine minutes, but nine seconds. It’s the number-one cause of injury to American women”. These are only the statistics that can be applied through reports, but we know the reality is much worse.
Due to my ex step-father, David, physically and mentally abusing my mother, Tammy, she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and severe post-traumatic stress disorder. Neglecting psychiatric help, she turned to drugs and alcohol to suppress the disease. As a result of these changes in behavior and lifestyle, our relationship and power dynamic as mother and child changed drastically. This process is not only a photographic investigation of my mother, but a tool to build a new relationship with her through collaboration and documentation. These images show the tribulation of the permanent effects of abuse: poverty, disordered living, relationships left to be rendered. By showing multiple similar portraits where facial expression, weight, and coherency often change, the viewer is let in on the irreversible alterations that schizophrenia and addiction have attributed to my mother’s behavior. Photography as medium allows for an evidentiary result through a materialization of bodies and time that is not often felt due to trauma associated with David. These images are our reclamation — or perhaps, more bluntly, my attempt to resolve my endless grieving of my living mother.
